Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world.
Dave Barry
It's hard to argue with the government. Remember, they run the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms, so they must know a thing or two about satisfying women.
Scott Adams
I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
A Bit of Fry and Laurie
What is a committee? A group of the unwilling, picked from the unfit, to do the unnecessary.
Mark Twain
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
A. Whitney Brown
There's so much comedy on television. Does that cause comedy in the streets?
Dick Cavett
mocking the TV-violence debate
Life may have no meaning. Or even worse, it may have a meaning of which I disapprove.
Ashleigh Brilliant
Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today?
- Writing his memoirs of the Civil War.
- Advising the President.
- Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin.
David Letterman
A penny saved is ridiculous.
Anonymous
After all, all he did was string together a lot of old, well-known quotations.
H. L. Mencken,
on Shakespeare
It is generally agreed that "Hello" is an appropriate greeting because if you entered a room and said "Goodbye," it could confuse a lot of people.
Dolph Sharp
If you can't dazzle 'em with brilliance, baffle 'em with bullshit.
Anonymous
Heaven is where the police are British, the cooks are French, the mechanics German, the lovers Italian and it's all organised by the Swiss.
Hell is where the chefs are British, the mechanics French, the lover's Swiss, the police German and it's all organised by the Italians.
Anonymous
Here I sit broken-hearted,
tried to s**t but only farted
Later on I took a chance,
tried to fart and s**t my pants!
Toilet graffiti
As she lay there dozing next to me, one voice inside my head kept saying, "Relax... you are not the first doctor to sleep with one of his patients, " but another kept reminding me, "Howard, you are a veterinarian."
Dick Wilson
668: The Neighbor of the Beast
Anonymous
There is a CD out entitled "The Worst of Jefferson Airplane". If you buy this, take it home, play it, and enjoy it, should you take it back and demand a refund?
Anonymous
The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.
Jay Leno
I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it.
Mae West
A fool-proof method for sculpting an elephant: first, get a huge block of marble; then you chip away everything that doesn't look like an elephant.
Anonymous
From the moment I picked your book up until I put it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
Groucho Marx, The Book of Insults
A miserable person is one who truly enjoys a fart but can't.
Anonymous
"Where is an elephants sex organ? In his feet. If he steps on you, you're f**ked."
Anonymous
It is now beyond any doubt that cigarettes are the biggest cause of statistics.
Anonymous
Why doesn't the fattest man in the world become a hockey goalie?
Wayne Gretsky
Q: How do you tell if you're making love to a nurse, a schoolteacher, or an airline stewardess?
A: A nurse says: "This won't hurt a bit." A schoolteacher says: "We're going to have to do this over and over again until we get it right." An airline stewardess says: "Just hold this over your mouth and nose, and breath normally."
Anonymous
I am not sure what this is, but an "F" would only dignify it.
Unknown English Professor
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
Unknown Female Psychologist
"Flying is simple. You just throw yourself at the ground and miss."
Douglas Adams, So Long, and Thanks for the Fish
"Your chances of getting hit by lightning go up if you stand under a tree, shake your fist at the sky and say "Storms ____!".
Johnny Carson
"A hangover is when you open your eyes in the morning and wish you hadn't."
Smythe, "Andy Capp"
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
Anonymous
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Anonymous
"If you can read this you're not aiming in the right direction."
Toilet-ceiling graffiti
"This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us."
Western Union internal memo, 1876
"All imaginable inventions have already been invented."
Manager of the American Patent Agency Charles Duell 1899
"If Darwin's theory of evolution was correct, cats would be able to operate a can opener by now."
Larry Wright
Anyone who uses the phrase "easy as taking candy from a baby" has never tried taking candy from a baby.
Robin Hood
I think pop music has done more for oral intercourse than anything else that has ever happened, and vice versa.
Frank Zappa
The great film comedian, Charlie Chaplin, once entered a Charlie Chaplin look-a-like contest for a laugh. To his surprise he did not win.
Anonymous
"I cannot read accounts of a record dive without wanting to ask the champion how drunk he was."
Cousteau about nitrogen narcosis when scuba-diving
The moon can't fall down because it is in orbit. An orbit is the interaction of a combination of forces - such as gravity, inertia, centrifugal force and others - that result in a perfect balance. Nevertheless, it is a good idea to stay indoors as much as possible
Science made stupid
I got a dog and named him "Stay". Now, I go "Come here, Stay!". After a while, the dog went insane and wouldn't move at all.
Deep Thoughts (Jack Handy)
In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check.
Deep Thoughts
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Deep Thoughts
"Yesterday scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer each, and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making any sense, became emotional, and couldn't drive. No further testing is planned."
Anonymous
DIFFERENT WAYS TO PHONE IN A PIZZA ORDER:
Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation."
Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out.
Ask what the order taker is wearing.
Change your accent every three seconds.
Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief.
Imitate the order taker's voice.
Belch directly into the mouthpiece; then tell your dog it should be ashamed.
Call to complain about service. Later, call to say you were drunk and didn't mean it.
Ask for the guy who took your order last time.
Start the conversation by reciting today's date and saying, "This may be my last entry."
When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated again, change it again. On the third time, say "You just don't get it, do you?"
Anonymous
Cinderella's slippers were originally made out of fur, not glass. The story was changed in the 1600s by a translator.
Useless facts
The very first bomb dropped by the Allies on Berlin during World War II killed the only elephant in the Berlin Zoo.
Useless facts
If a tree falls in the forest and it hits a mime, does anyone care?
The Far Side - Gary Larson
For centuries to come, many years will pass.
Pat Paulsen
I am not an alcoholic. I am a drunk. Alcoholics go to meetings.
T-shirt in window display in Washington, DC
The way to tell a field hand from an office hand is as follows: An office hand will use the restroom, then wash hands; A field hand will wash hands then use the restroom.
Observation
A dog looks up to humans. A cat looks down on people. But a pig will look a human in the eye and see its equal.
Winston Churchill
Life is like a game of cards. If you don't have a partner, you better have a good hand.
Someones girlfriend
It takes 46 muscles to frown but only 4 to flip 'em the bird.
Prairie Home Companion
"Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the world together."
A Starwars fan
"All my llife I wanted to be someone ; I guess I should of been more specific".
Jane Wagner
"If you can read this, then you're close enough that I can slam on my brakes and sue you for all you're worth".
Bumper Sticker
How many Scots does it take to screw in a light bulb?
20. One to hold the light bulb and the rest to get drunk enough to make the room spin.
Friend of mine
Millions long for immortality who don't know what to do on a rainy afternoon.
Susan Ertz
God gave men a brain and a _____ and only enough blood to work one at a time.
Robin Williams
"Is there a number higher than infinity?" "Oh yes- infinity plus shipping and handling"
Johnny Carson (The Tonight Show)
When you get gloomy, just take and hour off and sit and think about how much better this world is than hell. Of course, it won't cheer you up if expect to go there.
Don Marquis
"Heh heh heh! Lisa! Vampires are just make-belief, just like faeries, trolls and eskimoes."
Homer Simpson
I'm not suffering from insanity, I'm enjoying every minute of it.
Friends
It may be Winter outside, but it's always Summer in your armpit.
Tommy Gorman
A word to the wise ain't necessary, its the stupid ones who need all the advice.
Bill Cosby
Q: How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 15, one to change it 14 to grumble, "I could have done that part, I was up to it"
Suzanne Parry
"I hope life isn't a joke, because I don't get it."
Jack Handy, Saturday Night Live
The trouble with some women is that they get all excited over nothing, and then they go and marry him.
Cher, in Rolling Stone
"Time flies like the wind... Fruit flies like bananas."
Bathroom wall at Gordon Tech high school in Chicago
What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick.
Rick N.
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